Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Randomize
