don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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