everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
