Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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