Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
