dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
