Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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