Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
