I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Im part way to drunk.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
