So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
