Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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