I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i out mim tonsoeep
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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