Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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