I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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