come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
