i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Acid is not a monday night drug
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
