just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
