Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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