Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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