dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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