The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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