I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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