tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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