Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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