Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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