Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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