at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Boobs are out for the taking
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize