Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
