He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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