Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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