Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize