tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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