You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
