Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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