Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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