I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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