I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
