Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
