Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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