i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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