Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
