Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
