for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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