4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
