Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
