No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
