I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
