If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just gift wrapped bread.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
