I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
