made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well I just put wine in my tea
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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