I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my sisters under your porch take her home
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
