DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
