I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
