I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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