the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
