does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Thank you for not boning my boss.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize