you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
