just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
