yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
