I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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